Steps

So yesterday morning I was watching one of those morning shows with people in chairs talking to each other about dumb stuff--something I don't usually do, but I was curious about the progress of the monsoon here in La--and they had this guy on stumping for his new book: Crunch Time: Eight Steps to Making the Right Life Decisions at the Right Times. Here's a sample blurb from Powells:

"If you're frustrated with any part of your life, don't put this book down! Crunch Time is packed with invaluable decision-making tools that can improve the quality of your life immediately. Ken Lindner's book helped me personally and professionally from page one." Lu Parker, Miss USA 1994 and television host, CBS San Antonio

So it got me thinking about this whole step phenomenon. Have you ever noticed how many books talk about taking steps to fulfillment? Like you can achieve these lofty goals or find inner peace oh-so-easily by just following this plan. It's simple because you just follow the steps. It can help you from page one. Shit, even if you just read a paragraph you'll notice results.

We've got No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind:

Everyone has regrets. But not everyone can overcome them, even when they interfere with the enjoyment of life. With this book as your guide, you'll learn how to let go of past mistakes, lost opportunities, and failed expectations to live richly in a present filled with hope and new possibilities.

Excellent! Tabula rasa in just ten steps.

And then there's Zing!: Five Steps and 101 Tips for Creativity on Command:

A five-step process for generating big ideas in business, personal, and professional contexts is outlined in this high-energy guide to the creative process.

I love that, "creativity on command." Fear not, all you MBAs out there, just because you spent your college years sucking up to the machine, it's only five quick steps before you'll be thinking outside the box.

Why, before you know it, you'll be needing Executive Charisma: Six Steps to Mastering the Art of Leadership:

You'll discover how to use humor to put others at ease, develop an impressive executive bearing, and master the "Sacred Six Steps" to becoming an outstanding leader:

Be the first to initiate
Expect and give acceptance to maintain esteem
Ask questions, and ask favors
Stand tall, straight, and smile
Be human, humorous, and hands-on
Slow down, shut up, and listen

If you yearn to go beyond survival and just getting by, to take charge of your life, your career, and your destiny, stop dreaming and get to work.

(Why do I suspect there's a seventh step for women: "Grow a penis"?)

And my personal favorite: Your Dream Relationship: Eleven Steps to Finding Unconditional Love, which we can only hope is shelved in the fiction section.

I can only surmise that the steps-to-Valhalla meme is the red-headed stepchild (forgive me) of AA and the other anons. And that's the irony of the project--the notion that something can be accomplished with ease and certainty when there are steps to follow. In AA and NA you'll sometimes hear people share that it's actually a two step program: stop drinking and change your entire life.

Yes, there are twelve steps, and yes, those steps do for members what countless other methods can't do. But shit, we're not talking "stand tall, straight, and smile"; we're talking more along the lines of find purpose in the universe, analyze your entire character, and devote your life to an ethic of service. Stuff like that. Though admittedly, "slow down, shut up, and listen" is a pretty good first step for addicts too.